This Blog is Moving

This blog is moving, but first I want to say, “Thank you,” to Word Press.

Word Press is a great service.  It is easy, clean and has no hidden costs or agendas. You don’t get mystery advertising and banners though they claim occasionally they will have advertising on your blog to pay the bills.  I haven’t been blogging long, but I never saw any.

 

I love that it is a community with the purest of intents, to share.  The Word Press community shares freely and for free. I love the idea of the little guy having a big voice to share with other little guys to give them a voice too.

 

Unfortunately, I am a very little guy who needs to generate an income.  I have found a place where I can build a blog and add advertising to my blog.  I don’t intend to get rich from blogging, but the opportunity to supplement the family income is very attractive.

 

So bottom line, this blog is moving. I am moving to: http://designingd.blogspot.com/

 

Hope to see you there.

Correction or Liberation

Teaching responsibility appears to require super hero strength and endurance.  In your parent pack of powers you will need to have multiple personalities including tutor, drill sergeant, lecturer and moralizer.

 

We have decided our son’s vision is impaired. Though he must walk by the trash can to enter or exit the kitchen, his peripheral vision cannot detect a high level of trash.  If his sensors were alarmed by the level of trash, he would then be required to pull forth his super hero strength to remove said trash and then invoke agility and skill to place a new liner in the trash can.  Rewards, reminders and rebuking are not strong enough weapons to correct the impaired vision.

 

Since all efforts have failed, we are now resorting to elimination of privileges.  Our son is a normal boy with powerful ties to his gaming system.  We have decided to attack his perpetual defensive maneuvers by severing the ties to the gaming system away. Quite satisfied that the removal of his system would invoke the appropriate motivation and modified behavior, we did not take into consideration the liberation he would feel by this correction. 

 

Granted, it has only been two days, but our son does not appear to be affected by the correction.  He has taken the liberation of his attachment to the gaming system to draw from his inner imagination.  He is playing.  He is playing with his brother. He is playing with his non-technical toys.  He is creating stories in his head.  He is, dare I say it, reading.  He even dusted off an old sketch pad and in addition to doodles, created a comic strip with doodles and dialogue.

 

I am perplexed.  I want my son to learn responsibility.  I want him to take ownership of his job and do it to the best of his ability, but all we have done is liberate him from a crutch we were not aware existed.  Granted, it has only been two days. I suspect over time the call of the crutch will claim him, and he will attempt to recover his gaming system.  But if it doesn’t, if he decides he enjoys being a member of the real and alive rather than the digital, how will we ever motivate him to take out the trash?

Adoption Month, Older Children

I am a strong believer in adoption.  I have an adopted son, and since deciding to adopt, we have had friends, family and acquaintances tell us their adoption story.  It is amazing how many people have been touched by this process, but the tragic side is the number of children who are not touched by adoption, who are left in foster care until they age out.

 

In doing some research I came across the Child Welfare Information Gateway, http://www.childwelfare.gov/index.cfm , a product of the US Dept. of Health and Human Services.  They have lots of interesting information on their website and quite a bit to promote National Adoption Month.

 

Statistics always bring things home to me. I was staggered to read the “Report to Congress…Children in Foster Care: A Focus on Older Children.”  In 2003 – 523,000 children were in Foster Care and 58% were age 9 and older.  In Texas this age group would be called, “Hard to Place,’ and the report went on to support that title.  Potential parents state their biggest concern in adopting a child 9 or older was of mental and physical disabilities.  The stats said only 27% of children in Foster Care were diagnosed disabled. That means 73% are NOT disabled.

 

If you have considered adoption, but don’t want to do 2:00am feedings, teething and potty training, adopting an older child just might be the right fit for you and some beautiful child.  AdoptUsKids, http://www.adoptuskids.org/ , is a great website with pictures of children waiting.

 

Sometimes a kid just needs a chance. Sometimes you are that chance.

A Name, Blessing or Curse

I am standing at the bus stop with my kids and a few others.  To pass the time, I ask them, “If you could be nicknamed anything, what would it be?”  The three older boys popped off their nicknames quickly. The boys said, “Sparky,” “Scrappy,” and “Spike.”  If you knew theses boys, you would know how well these names really fit them. 

 

My four year old then pipes in, “Doctor!”  I am not sure he understands what a nickname is, but I am thrilled he came up with “Doctor.”  The bus came, Sparky, Scrappy and Spike jumped on and Doctor started his usual Good Morning Wave at every bus and car that drove by. As I smiled to myself, I began to wonder what is in a name? Is a name a blessing or a curse?

 

I have a dear friend who is very concerned that people have lost track of the importance of names. In the beginning, names were references to who people were and what they did.  If you expected something great from your child, you named them something that meant great.  You then called them by that name, blessing them every time you said it. When the child grew into an adult, all those blessings would hopefully come into fruition and as an adult, they would be great.

 

Of course, the reverse was thought to be true too. Cruel nicknames being hurled at a child cursed that child every time that name was cast on them.  How many times have we heard of school violence and the perpetrator say they were just getting pay back for all the bulling?  Did those kids inadvertently curse the child being bullied? Did the curse come true when the bullied became the bully?

 

I have no answer, but it certainly gives me pause.  My name?  My name means “Morning Star.”  If you ever see me in the morning, you will see that I am anything but a star.  My husband is a morning star. I guess if he keeps casting that blessing on me, someday our lights will shine at the same time and our mornings will be very bright.

Screaming Child, Crying Mom

We were at a birthday party and the birthday boy had a really cool toy that my son just loved.  All was good while he was allowed to play with it, but when it came time to allow another child to play with the really cool tool, my son had a melt down of nuclear explosion proportion.

 

As Mom, at first I just looked at him completely dumbfounded.  As every eye at the party stared at us, I regrouped and tried to comfort, redirect, and appease my screaming child.  His screams only got louder, so I removed him from the party area to have a “time out.”  This really made him mad.  I decided I had to take him home.  As I tried to leave the party, the birthday boy’s father stripped my son from my arms and took him over to the toy.  I was horribly embarrassed, but I was comforted by the kind gesture. I had to fight back tears.

 

Those tears, why was I crying?  Was I crying because I was embarrassed or disappointed? Was I crying because I felt as if I failed my son somehow? Was I crying to keep myself from being fuming mad at my child?  Yes, Yes and Yes. 

 

As an adoptive Mom, I try not to allow the fact he is adopted enter into my decisions to parent. I am the only Mom he knows, and I am trying to parent him just like I did with my biological son.  But I can’t help it when all eyes look at us, I question every little decision I make.  Why does it matter what they think?  It matters because in this day and age, disciple is sometimes viewed as abuse.  It matters because a big white woman speaking harshly or disciplining a small black child could be misconstrued.

 

So I am crying.  I am crying, because I am a Mom. I want to act like a Mom, and I don’t want to be judged for being a Mom. Adopted or not, sometimes the child needs some disciple.  He doesn’t wait until we get home to throw his screaming fit and neither should I when admonishing him.

Why are you kissing him?

Honestly, I forget that I am white and my son is African American. When we are out and about, I talk to him just like he is my son, go figure.  I also have a tendency to hug and kiss on him like he is my son, go figure.  Oddly enough, my son does not hesitate to talk to me like I am his Mother nor does he hesitate to hug and kiss me.  I forget about our differences until some puzzled passer-by stares a little too long at my child. I forget about our differences, that others see all too clearly.

 

I have learned to take a deep breath and ask, “Can I help you?”  I have learned that if I can hold my temper most people are simply curious.  I have learned that if speak directly to them, they realize that they have been staring and usually politely retreat. 

 

Things have changed, but to see the change live and in person is still a puzzle to some people.  I do my best to help solve the puzzle, but there comes a point when you are a stranger and do not need to know. I do my best to help solve the puzzle and have had many pleasant conversations about fostering, adopting, and transracial families.

Election Day, GO VOTE!

As a Stay-at-Home Mom about to lose the privilege of staying home, the Presidential Campaign has been of great interest to me.  In the beginning, I listened, I researched and tried to become informed so that I can make an educated decision based on issues. Who knew finding out about the issues would be so hard?

 

I have watched the mud slinging, heard the generic promises and seen their values paraded across the T.V. and the internet.  From the beginning from a marketing stand point, the Hillary Clinton campaign was admirable. I don’t admire Hillary Clinton but her campaign was notable.  She kept her name in the news everyday regardless of whether the information was relevant or not.  I don’t know why lunch with her daughter mattered towards her qualifications to be President, but it was in the news as a reunion after much separation.  Obama has picked up that tactic and really used it to its full potential utilizing his wife as the catalyst.  Again, I don’t know how Mrs. Obama’s ability or inability to cook dinner for her children matters towards Mr. Obama’s qualifications for Presidency, but it was in the news and on several talk shows.  I can say I have seen more interviews with Mrs. Obama than I have seen with Mr. Obama or his running mate.

 

In trying to find information that really mattered towards qualifications, I did find both Presidential Candidates websites very interesting. (McCain: www.johnmccain.com ; Obama: http://www.barackobama.com )  When entering the Obama website for the first time, I was hit with a full page donation request and sales pitch for t-shirts.  Past that I found videos. The first video was a long video about Obama’s life story.  I clicked a few other videos and all started with Obama’s life story.  Why didn’t they talk about his experience?  Right, he doesn’t have much.  He has 8 years as a State Senator and Two years as a U.S. Senator.  He does have a page about issues, but it is hard to get to the action plan past all the generic rhetoric.

 

Reviewing the McCain website you get hit by a video addressing issues and the concern that more of the same just won’t work anymore.  There is a spot to donate, but it is far from prominent.  They sell t-shirts too, but they don’t solicit it. You have to click the “store” tab. The issues are easy to find and though there is plenty of rhetoric, it is easier to see some kind of action plan. Oh, and experience is evident on the McCain website, 4 years as a US House of Representative and 21 years as a US Senator.

 

It was the experience that moved me to early vote for McCain.  The ability to find issue information more prominent than life story was also a factor.  The Obama Campaign has done a good job of appealing to emotion, but the McCain Campaign feels more real.  I wish I could say my vote was based entirely on the issues, but I am human.  I have seen Presidents come and Presidents go. I have seen campaign promises kept and broken. Until you sit in the President’s chair, you don’t know how you can truly affect the direction of the country. 

 

I just feel McCain has been dancing at the Federal Party for a long time. He knows the issue Two-Step, the legislative DoSe Do, and the law passing Polka.  You may think those terms are issue dodging terms, but they are not. Every one of those dance steps requires a partner.  You have to know how to dance with others to be successful.  John McCain has a proven track record of being able to dance with others and affect change.

The Right Mom

If you give birth to your child, the question of whether or not you are the right Mom for your child may never cross your mind.  At 3:00am when you are trying to clean spit-up out of your hair while calming a crying child, you may question your ability to be Mom, but not whether you are the right Mom.

 

As an adoptive Mom I have questioned whether or not I was the right Mom for my child. As my son came into the terrible 2’s his temper was not just terrible. It was terrible, horrific, extreme, unbelievable and intense. I tried to just say, “He’s 2.” But something inside me wondered.  As he approached 3 his tempers were constant. I was afraid to take him to the park for fear of him hurting another child.  He was kicked out of Sunday School and out of a Mothers of Preschoolers group.  I seriously questioned my ability to be his Mom. I questioned if I was the right Mom for him.

 

My adopted son is also of another race than me which seemed to compound my insecurities.  I have heard slander and racists comments about me and my family, but I had always chalked that up to ignorance and the lack of a loving spirit.  But as my son became increasingly more difficult to handle, was I the right Mom for him? I questioned if race really did matter and questioned whether or not I was the right Mom for him.

 

At his annual check, the Doctor did the usual checking height, weight and various other vital statistics, and then he started asking me developmental questions like, “Does he know his colors? Can he say his ABC’s? Can he jump? Color inside the lines?” and more.  As we talked, I began to realize that there was something wrong and it had nothing to do with my ability or right to Mother him.

 

We were then referred for more testing and the results showed a speech and development delay.  He then was accepted into speech therapy and a special education class devoted to meeting his needs.  Within 6 months his tempers had become few and far between. By the end of the year, he was speaking not just words but sentences too. His difficulties had nothing to do with me.

 

Since he is adopted and of another race, I sometimes still wonder if I am the right Mom for him, but I cannot deny how much I love him.  Through our difficult time, I did what any Mother would do. I searched, researched, asked questions and eventually did find the help he needed.  With every hurdle he jumps, I am right there like any Mother cheering the victories, comforting the disappointments, helping with the hurts, encouraging him to keep on trying as well as directing, teaching, counseling when and where I can.

 

My son continues to improve and succeed. My son is now known for his hugs and laughter. I love this child. I am his Mother, and I am the right Mom.

Houston Area Adoption Agencies

In my research to compile a list of agencies I came across TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) which is hosted by DFPS (Texas Department of Family and Protective Services). They have a more comprehensive list with more information about the agencies. Worth a look at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp

 

Something to think about, even though you are the only parent your adopted child knows, it is very normal for an adopted child to want to learn about where they came from and why they were put up for adoption.  The DFPS reports as of Oct. 2008, “In Texas, about 180 licensed child-placing agencies are currently in operation. Many of these agencies provide foster-care services and rarely place children for adoption. Of these 180 agencies, we estimate that only about 80 agencies actually place children for adoption. Of these 80 agencies, only 28 actively operate a voluntary adoption registry as mandated by Texas Family Code, Chapter 162, Subchapter E.” You can see them at http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/vs/reqproc/volreg.shtm .

 

Homes of St. Mark, http://www.homesofstmark.org/

We used this agency. When we were doing our research, this was the only agency that I actually got to talk to a person. I left a message and a person actually called me back.  All our Case Workers have moved on to other things so I cannot give references for the staff.

 

Other Agencies, This is just a list to help you get started. I have not done research or credibility checks on these agencies. You can check their history of inspections and reports on the DFPS website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/child_care/search_texas_child_care/ppFacilitySearchResidential.asp . .….

• AdopTexas, http://www.adoptexas.com/index-2.html
• Adoption.com, http://www.adoption.com/ , this site is a little confusing. On the “About” page they have an address in Arizona, but on the “Home” page they have information about Texas adoption and Texas law. I don’t think it is an agency, but they do have a lot of information about adoption that is helpful.
• Alternatives in Motion, http://www.aimadoptions.org/index.html
• American Adoption, www.americanadoption.com – they claim to do adoptions in Houston, Texas but their main office is in Kansas and as far as I could tell on their website, they don’t even have an office in Texas.  They did have some interesting links about Texas Law on Adoption. http://texas.adoption.americanadoptions.com/?PHPSESSID=c1a9e8c0d134d4f7b4f6811b4ec8effe
• Caring Adoptions, http://www.caringadoptions.org/Index.asp
• Catholic Charities (Galveston-Houston Area), http://www.catholiccharities.org/ – they have other Catholic Charity Agencies across Texas
• Depelchin, www.depelchin.org – We didn’t use this agency, but we have been to their facilities for trainings. They have great training facilities and offer a number of services to help you before, during and after the adoption.
• LDS Family Services (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), www.ldsfamilyservices.org – they have locations across the country and in Canada
• New Life Pregnancy Center, http://www.newlifehelp.org/
• Spaulding for Children, http://www.spauldingforchildren.org/?id=1 , another big Houston agency that is well respected.

National Adoption Month, November

I believe adoption is a very good tool in helping children find safe and loving homes, in helping parents build the family they dream of and in creating a society with proof that love crosses boundaries.  November is National Adoption Month.  I recommend adoption. I have adopted a son.

There is a lot of good information out there about aboption. TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) is kicking off a new campaign called, “Why not me?”  For more information, visit their website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Why_Not_Me/default.asp